PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you...

Dear diary, I have so much to tell you… So much has happened since the last time I just sat down and started writing down what I feel. There are so many stories I haven’t really shared with you. But why? Why haven’t I written anything personal this year on my blog? I don’t really have one straight up answer to that question. Only somewhere along the way, I started noticing how much I had distanced myself from my blog. However, there is one biggest factor that played a big part. And that’s this: My life felt like a mess. And in that mess, I lost myself.

“In short, kairos means ‘the right or opportune moment’. And if there is one thing I am certain of, it’s that no moment in my life felt like the right one.”

There, I finally said it. I honestly feel like I have lost myself this year.

I didn’t realize it at first, or at least I tried my best to ignore it as much as possible. I kept teling myself that everything was still the same, that nothing has changed and I had everything under control. I was desperately trying to stay in the old swing of things, my old balance. It was all a big, big lie. With all the things that happened, it was just impossible for me to stay the same. Even when I stopped thinking about these past experiences, their imprint on my mind would not go away. I carried them around like they were tatted onto my skin. Slowly they were molding me into somebody else, despite the fact I was still holding on to the old picture of me. Of course, there were always those certain moments that made me walk down memory lane and relive everything that happened. Nevertheless, I still thought that everything would go back to normal if I would just keep going. ‘Just keep moving forward, do not give up,’ was something I would always say to myself. In a way, this was the case indeed. If we see time as a chronological matter (chronos, χρόνος), time was passing by. Days, weeks and even months. However, the Ancient Greek also used a second form of time called kairos (καιρός). Kairos isn’t linear, like chronos is. It’s not measurable like chronos is. Kairos is described as a period or season, a moment of indeterminate amount of time in which an event of significance happens. In short, kairos means ‘the right or opportune moment’. And if there is one thing I am certain of, it’s that no moment in my life felt like the right one.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘C’mon, Lilia’s life a mess? Oh please, she probably overreacting. She seems so organized and in control of her life, that can’t be true.’

In a way, you are right. My life isn’t a complete mess. I had some amazing things happen to me this year and I definitely feel fortunate. I pursued my passion for Philosophy, I managed to keep my Research Master in Law grade a 8/10 (and cum laude as well!), I was nominated for the VEED Award and I got into a George Washington Law School for an exchange program next semester. I’m not saying these things aren’t great. However, this was only part of my life. The other part was constantly swifting, changing into a different direction and I just couldn’t keep up. Somewhere in the mess of all the (un)fortunate events that happened to me this year, I lost myself. And this made me feel like I did not have the right kairos in my life. Something was off. I was off.

Before I am going to talk about that further, it’s necessary to dive into a bit of prejudice people can have about me. I usually don’t talk about this topic, but it’s important to speak up about it once and for all. Of course, being judged by others comes with the job I chose. It’s not like I didn’t expect people to have opinions about me. It’s also not like I have never encountered others judging me before either. I have always been one of those people that could never fit into the crowd. In a way, I did not even want to fit in. I just did not understand the ‘point’ of being like others. This caused some people to have quite some harsh opinions about me. However, the things some people would say about me on internet was on another level. I’m not going to discuss what they are. What you actually think of me, positive or negative, is not the point. That’s up to you, and I respect that. But the amount of things people openly have to say about you, is something you can never be prepared for. It is not natural for a human being to be exposed to so many opinions on a daily basis. In everyday life, people tend to keep their judgements to themselves. On the internet, people feel less of a barrier to voice their thoughts and feelings (it’s called the online inhibition effect), and end up saying things they would never have said in real life. Although I am rather confident about myself, and I don’t let other people tell me what to do, there are always those days when a couple of shocking words can really put you down. Because sometimes, it’s just too much. People don’t realize how powerful these words are, and that is scary as hell. Words aren’t just words. They are acts, that actually have a physical impact on you (this is called the Speech Act theory of John Austin). That’s why words can influence our behavior and the way we think about ourselves so much. But in the end, the best thing to do is to ignore that sort of negativity as much as possible. I block a person that writes hateful things and I stopped reading what people had to say about me online for ages now. Not because I don’t think we should have freedom of speech, but because I believe we should protect ourselves from the harm of hate speech.

“People still had this old picture of me that didn’t add up to the new one. This caused me to feel like there were two persona: Lily, or Lily Like, and me, just Lilia.”

Bewaren