Best Dining Etiquette Rules to Know - Guide to Proper Table Manners and Etiquette

Try to imagine the worst breach of table etiquette possible. Chances are, you haven’t come close to the nightmare etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach Jacqueline Whitmore experienced on New Year’s Eve a few years ago. She was on a date with a man who got drunk before dinner was served. Once it was, Whitmore says, “He started eating like a barbarian. Around the third course he began making animal sounds…and then he just heaved all over the table. I can laugh about it now, but it was horrifying.”

Whitmore’s date would have fit in well in Medieval Europe, when forks were nearly non-existent, all other utensils were shared, and soup was slurped straight from the bowl. Dining tables during the era were little more than planks plopped over trestles immediately before the meal, a practice that gave rise to the colloquialism “set the table.” Sure, a cloth was spread over the planks, but diners wiped their dirty fingers on it. Napkins? Forget about it.

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With the Renaissance came refinement. Catherine de’ Medici, who was the Italian-born queen of France from 1547 until 1559, is credited with helping popularize fork use—an improvement over the custom of simply shoving meat speared with a sharp knife into one’s face, a system that caused no little amount of nasty injuries. The Italians also become known for their spectacular Venetian glass goblets in the 16th century. The delicate stemware is a testament to their increasingly refined dining habits, which some may say we’re well on our way to losing today. Don’t drink too much, don’t eat in a primitive manner, and don’t lose your lunch (or dinner) are the most basic rules of table manners, but should you need a refresher on less-obvious etiquette, we’re here to help with some dining dos and don’ts that might surprise you.

Pre-Dining Etiquette

Good dining etiquette begins long before you sit down at the table. If you’re invited to a dinner party, be sure to RSVP, even if a response isn’t specifically requested, and don’t ask if you may bring someone who isn’t part of the invitation. When you arrive, don’t do so empty-handed. “A hostess gift, which can be anything from candles or wine to flowers, chocolates or guest soaps, is never a bad idea,” says Whitmore. “It’s a nice, much-appreciated gesture.”

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If you do bring a bouquet of blooms, try to make sure they’re in a vase, so your hosts won’t have to take time to arrange them. And don’t expect the bottle of wine you brought to be opened that evening. Chances are, your hosts have already chosen the wines they’ll be serving. That’s true of the menu too—leave the home-cooked dish at home, unless the event is a potluck. You don’t want to put your hosts on the spot.

Table Seating Etiquette

Whether dining in someone’s home or at a restaurant, jostling in confusion for your seat is never a good look. At formal dinners, keep an eye out for place cards, which direct you where to sit. Oftentimes, spouses are positioned near or beside one another; the chairs nearest to the host have long been considered places of honor. Historically, the best positions at the table were also closest to the salt cellar, a small container used for holding the mineral (salt cellars fell out of fashion after the introduction of salt with an anti-caking additive, which could be used in shakers, in 1911). If there are no place cards, ask your host where they’d like you to sit, but don’t do so until they are seated.

When you do sit down, you shouldn’t immediately grab your napkin off the plate.“You should wait until everyone has been seated before you put your napkin on your lap,” Whitmore says. “And if you need to excuse yourself from the table, place the napkin on the arm of your chair, not the table.”

Proper Table Setting Etiquette

Undoubtedly the trickiest part of dining etiquette is navigating the table setting—the prospect of which seems to fill nearly everyone on the planet but a pro like Whitmore with dread. If you’re hosting a dinner party, she suggests using a mnemonic device when beginning to set your table. “Think of the letters BMW,” she says. “Bread plate to left, meal (or dinner) plate in the middle, and wine and water glasses to the right, and above the silverware. The napkin may be put on the plate, or to the left of the forks.”

As suggested by the handy tip for diners to use utensils from the outside in, when setting your table, place silverware that will be used first on the outside. The forks should be placed to the left of the plate, with the salad fork on the outside. The dinner fork sits besides it, next to the dinner plate. The knife should go to the right of the dinner plate, with the blade facing in. If soup is being served, the soup spoon sits next to the knife, on the outside. But the menu is going to dictate how the table is set up.

“So, depending on how many courses you have, you may have more silverware than normal, including cutlery like a fish knife, fish fork, salad knife, dessert fork, dessert spoon and a cocktail fork,” says Whitmore. “You never really see a table with every utensil on it anymore. That’s really reserved for a state dinner at the White House.”

Table Manners 101

Sure, it may seem like there are a lot of proper dining protocol rules. But at least most directives are no-brainers that you’ve probably heard since you were a child: Sit up straight, don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t gesture with your silverware, keep your elbows off the table—and don’t reach across it—don’t lick your fingers or blow on your food, and always chew with your mouth closed. Some table manners perhaps less commonly known include holding stemmed glassware only by the stem and passing the salt and pepper together. Speaking of salt and pepper, taste your meal before seasoning it—otherwise, you may insult your host.

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And if you’re usually glued to your phone, Whitmore has some bad news for you. “Things that have nothing to do with the meal—for example, a cell phone—should never be placed on the table. Also, you should begin eating only after everyone has been served, cutting only a bite or two at a time, and break up your bread up. Then just butter one small piece at a time.”

As the meal winds down, so should you. You don’t want to be the first one finished, a dining rule reminiscent of the old adage that you should never be the last one to leave the party. When you’re finished, place your knife and fork at the four o’clock position. Finally, “Put your napkin on the left side of the plate,” says Whitmore. “Never throw it on the plate.”

Illustrations by Mary Fama.

tipping etiquette teacup