Here’s How Not to Waste Your Time When Dating, According to Matthew Hussey

Invest in those who invest in you

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I have a bad habit of investing my time and effort into men who don’t want me.

One time, I poured a solid eight months of my existence into this man who went back and forth about whether or not he even wanted a relationship at all. The entire time we were “together,” he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me.

Talk about a colossal waste of time.

Last night I was scrolling mindlessly through TikTok, as one does, and came across this attractive British man spewing truth bombs and relationship zingers. The weight of his words smacked me in the face. It was a wake-up call like I hadn’t had in years.

I had to learn more about this man.

Meet Matthew Hussey

If you haven’t heard of him, allow me to introduce you to my new obsession (and crush), Matthew Hussey. He’s a YouTuber, blogger, and NYT bestselling author of Get the Guy.

Why do I love him? Because his advice on dating and relationships actually isn’t crap.

I’ve been single a long time, so the self-help books I’ve read have run the gamut. They’ve all been derivatives of the same things and concepts, just thrown in a blender and mixed around until they physically resemble something different but actually taste the same.

I haven’t read Hussey’s book, but I have read and watched a ton of his content from his website and blog.

Here’s some dating advice from Hussey that will change how you think about relationships and teach you when it’s time to stop wasting your efforts and walk away.

“Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you.”

This is the inaugural quote from TikTok that sucked me into Hussey’s world:

“Never invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you.”

I always find myself putting in the time and effort into guys I’m interested in, and I rarely ever feel like anyone is matching my effort.

For the longest time, I just thought that was the way things were — that I would always inherently be more invested in a relationship than the other person. I thought it was okay for me to be putting that much of my effort into the relationship because of how much I liked the guy.

It wasn’t until I came across Hussey’s quote that I realized, hey, that’s not actually okay for me to be doing that to myself. And hey, it doesn’t actually matter how much you like them — if they’re not also investing in you, you need to stop. And Matthew’s blog post gave me a way to do so.

His advice is to invest a little, and see if they match your effort.

Are you the one always making the plans for dates, or driving the long distance to get to their apartment? Do you send thoughtful texts and they reply with one-word or short answers? Or do you feel that you are both giving equally to the relationship?

Yes, liking the other person is important. Your feelings are not irrelevant. But Hussey’s quote reminds us to put our feelings aside for a moment and try to see things rationally.

Investing in someone based on how much they invest in you reminds you that relationships are not and should not be one-sided, no matter how much you think you like the person. There needs to be an equal effort.

“Chasing is chasing someone who you admire . . . but someone who ultimately is not actually investing in building something with you.”

This one goes hand in hand with the first quote. If you continue to invest in someone who is not invested in you, that’s what Hussey calls “chasing”:

“Chasing is when you continue to invest in someone…to keep giving them energy long after the point of having already communicated that you like them, and without the equivalent return of attention, of interaction from them…

Chasing is chasing someone who you admire, who you think is great, but someone who ultimately is not actually investing in building something with you.”

This is the definition of what I did in my last situationship. I was abundantly clear with this guy about what I wanted and how much I liked him.

I drove five hours and booked a hotel for a weekend to visit him while he was doing military training. I let him stay at my house on the weekends — he didn’t even have to spend time with me. He could go hang out with his friends all night and then just sleep at my house. He could text me once a day, or once a week, and I would tell myself that was plenty.

I was so into him that I didn’t care that he wasn’t treating me the way I deserve. I didn’t care that he was unsure if he wanted a relationship or wishy-washy about his feelings for me — I liked him enough and I wanted the relationship enough for both of us.

Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Chasing is, ultimately, a sign of low self-worth, says Hussey. No one is so amazing that we should continue to chase after them when they aren’t matching our same energy and when they don’t want the same things as us.

You deserve more than that. You’re worthy of more than that.

Recognize when you’re chasing someone, and know it’s time to walk away.

“I feel unsafe because of you, not because of me…”

…and unless this feeling changes, I’ll go find someone who does make me feel safe in the relationship.”

Hussey says that sometimes, that’s what true confidence is. In a Facebook post, he addresses the difference between low self-esteem and real danger in a relationship, and how to know when it’s time to leave.

For anxious individuals like myself, it’s hard to tell the difference between insecure feelings that are justified and insecure feelings that are the result of my own self-esteem issues and past relationship trauma.

Is this guy not texting me back because he’s busy or is he ghosting me? Did he cancel plans for the third time because his schedule really is that packed, or is he blowing me off? These questions, and more, have pinwheeled through my brain during a recent relationship.

Hussey lays it out like so: “Low self-esteem is when someone is doing all the right things and we still find ourselves living in fear.”

On the other hand, “real danger” — justified feelings of insecurity — is when your partner does not acknowledge your needs and does not make you feel safe in the relationship.