Business Email Writing Exercises | VietnamEnglish.vn

Original email written:

Dear Hotel Manager

I am writing to complain about the poor service I received when I stayed at your hotel in Vung Tau on 5th Sept. First, when I booked the room on the internet I asked for a room with a view of the sea. However, I was given a room with a view of the car park. Secondly, the receptionist was very rude to my wife and there wasn’t enough hot water for us to have a shower for the first two days. Finally, the service in the restaurant was too slow and we had to wait at least half an hour for meals.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards

Ask yourself – is this written effectively?

• Is the Grammar the problem? Y/N
• Is it easy to read? Y/N
• Is the first sentence engaging? Y/N
• Does the writer tell the reader what to do?  Y/N
• Will the writer get what they want? Y/N

How can this email be improved?

The serious problem with this email is that the writer fails to tell the reader what to do in the last sentence and the email is difficult to read. The reader will only get an email of apology.

A more effective email:

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Complaint – Customer ratings on the internet are important for your Hotel.

I stayed at your hotel in Vung Tau on 5th Sept 2019. The service was poor. This was disappointing after reading very positive reviews of your hotel on Booking.com before arriving.

Firstly, when I booked the room on the internet I asked for a room with a view of the sea. However, I was given a room with a view of the car park.

Secondly, the receptionist was very rude to my wife and there wasn’t enough hot water for us to have a shower for the first two days. Finally, the service in the restaurant was too slow and we had to wait at least half an hour for meals.

In some ways this spoilt our entire holiday.

What I seek is a compensation in the form of a discount. Please refund my credit with 50% of the costs within 7 days.

Regards

Why is this more effective?

• The structure should be –engage the reader, justify your position and then tell the reader what to do;
• Make it easy for the reader to read.